Mantis Miscellany--Ranking the X-Men Films

Originally Published August 2, 2013

With the recent and continuing glut of superhero films, including reboots and re-imaginings, the X-Men films seemed to have been somewhat lost in the shuffle nowadays. The Wolverine seems to have been a minor contender this summer compared to Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel. While the quality of the six released films varies widely, it is admirable that the franchise has run on for so long without a “hard reset” as experienced by the Hulk, Spider-Man, Batman, Superman, and (in a few years) The Fantastic Four. Okay, so the first three films had three different actresses for Kitty Pryde, and Nightcrawler was jettisoned after one film, but in a world where major characters like James Rhodes (of Iron Man) and Rachel Dawes (of Batman) are replaced so wantonly, it’s a little refreshing to see attempts at continuity.

With Marvel Studios now being expertly shepherded by Joss Whedon, it falls to controversial comic book scribe Mark Millar (Wanted, Kick-Ass, The Ultimates 1 and 2) to provide guidance to Fox’s Marvel properties (namely, X-Men and the Fantastic Four). Whatever one may think of Millar’s work, one does have to admit that the mad Scot has a soft spot for fans, communicating to them on his website’s forum (forums.millarworld.tv).

However, his influence on Fox’s Marvel films cannot yet be determined, for he had little input on The Wolverine. The film was directed by James Mangold, whose CV includes a diverse array of films such as Cop Land, Girl Interrupted, Kate & Leopold, Identity, Walk the Line, 3:10 to Yuma, and Knight and Day. Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan) was originally slated to direct the film, which might have been interesting. Or it might have turned out as indistinguishable from the average blockbuster as Gavin Hood’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Hood also directed the brilliant South African film Tsotsi).  At any rate, here is my personal ranking of the X-Men films. Warning: There will be spoilers! (Though I will try not to spoil too much of The Wolverine, even though you can see the final reveal coming from a million miles away).

6. X-Men: The Last Stand (Directed By Brett Ratner)

Many comic book fans complained that this film screwed with the characters too much. I don’t know a whit about the comic book X-Men aside from Millar’s run on Ultimate X-Men, but I still thought this was a poor film. Cyclops is dispatched with little fanfare (poor James Marsden) as is Mystique, and Xavier’s “death” doesn’t feel as impactful as it could have been. Nightcrawler, one of the best characters from X2, is forgotten about completely. The film is oddly dull and slow-moving until the climax on Alcatraz, which is competently directed, but comes across as a series of sequential video game missions. First, the minor mutants fight. Once that box is checked, then we move on to Magneto. Only when that mission is completed does Phoenix (AKA Jean Grey) decide to do anything. I realize that this is dramatically sound, but the way it’s conceived and directed is clunky, thus revealing the seams and removing any sense of organic flow.

 I do love the last shot, but it does render the rest of the film moot. This includes Rogue’s final decision, and it’s telling that the filmmakers weren’t sure what they wanted her to do either. They shot two versions of her final scene: one with her taking the cure and one with her not taking it, and they didn’t decide on which one to use until showing it to a test audience (source: DVD deleted scene commentary). Overall, while the direction by Ratner isn’t terrible, it is rather flat. Much more damaging is the screenplay by Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn, which is devoid of heart and doesn’t really make me care about the characters. Kinberg in particular has not written one movie I’ve liked, and it’s one of the reasons I’m worrying a bit about X-Men: Days of Future Past. I’m hoping co-writers Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman can balance him out. And speaking of Vaughn, he was originally slated to direct this film, but pulled out when he realized he wouldn’t be allowed to make the movie he wanted to make. He was very critical of The Last Stand, and rightly so.

5. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Directed By Gavin Hood)

Most people seem to have a seething hatred for this movie. I don’t think it’s all that great, but I also don’t think it’s a disaster on the level of The Last Stand. Ryan Reynolds, who can’t seem to catch a break, is reasonably funny as pre-Deadpool, and future John Carter actors Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins as Gambit and Silverfox, respectively. The film doesn’t come together as well as it should, with a bunch of side characters who feel shoehorned in. Logan’s relationship with Victor Creed is implausibly inconsistent. I realize that making them either best buds or bitter enemies isn’t as interesting, but the lack of depth to their relationship makes it seem like Creed’s final decision comes out of nowhere. He and Logan are slicing each other up for the whole movie, and then he just decides to leave.

The actual story of the film also takes a while to get going. After a mawkish childhood prologue, there is a neat title sequence featuring Logan and Creed fighting in different wars though time, but it sadly reduces their early relationship to a montage that focuses more on the cool visuals than on character. Then there is a lengthy excursion with Logan working for William Stryker (the same jerk from X2) and an abbreviated introduction to Silverfox and her relationship with Logan before Stryker returns. Then he gets his adamantium skeleton, and before we know it, he’s flying with Gambit to Three Mile Island for the final confrontation. It’s an oddly paced film, with some scenes seeming to stretch on, but with the whole movie feeling like it could have used more flesh on its bones. The connections to the other X-Men films (particularly with Cyclops) don’t fit well onto the spine of the story. We’ll see how director Gavin Hood does with the upcoming Ender’s Game; if that’s a dog, then we’ll know that Hood really is suited to smaller, more character driven films (like the aforementioned Tsotsi).

4. The Wolverine (Directed By James Mangold)

I was actually debating whether to put this before or after the first X-Men film. The Wolverine does have some really neat moments, and I loved that it was set in Japan, but it was let down by the final act. I didn’t really get into this film until Logan gets to Japan, which thankfully doesn’t take too long.  The film benefits from two superb female characters Yukio and Mariko, a rarity in comic book films. Neither is as great as Hit-Girl obviously, but both characters feature surprisingly nuanced portrayals with some earned emotional moments (though I do also like Anna Paquin in the first X-Men, dodgy accent aside). The former disappears for a long stretch of the film and the latter becomes a damsel in distress at the end, but both are very welcome whenever they appear. Much less impressive is Viper, who is more annoying than threatening, and I know this is superficial, but I was very distracted by that rather unbecoming beauty spot on her lip (I’m not a fan of beauty spots in general).  Frankly, she comes across as an asshole. Famke Janssen as Jean Grey gets a few nice scenes. Will Yun Lee (also seen in the prologue to the James Bond film Die Another Day) is fine as Mariko’s fiancée, though he could’ve used more screentime and development of his arc.

The final villain is severely underdeveloped, especially since he isn’t revealed until just before his demise. We don’t really get a sense of what drove him to do what he did and what changed him as a person. It certainly doesn’t help that his it’s obvious who he is long before the reveal. Logan’s struggle with immortality is interesting, but is merely touched on before it’s dropped. The early action scenes are mostly well done, with a neat bullet train sequence that is unfortunately not character-based at all, as Wolverine is fighting a bunch of anonymous henchmen. The final battle is underwhelming, though Yukio does get some nice moments and there are some consequences for Logan. Other pluses include Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of Logan and the Japan setting, but in the end, the movie ended up promising more that it delivered. The mid-credits scene, though, is pretty chill-inducing.

3. X-Men (Directed By Bryan Singer)

This film, released in 2000, arguably set off the modern superhero film craze. The duo of X-Men and X2, followed by the even better Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 (these two are the real amazing Spider-Man films), proved that superheroes in film could be popular again. Director Bryan Singer had previously directed smaller films like Public Access, Apt Pupil, and the superlative The Usual Suspects, and proved he could adequately handle a big-budget blockbuster (though it took until X2 for him to really find his stride). X-Men has a surprisingly small feel despite a climax atop the Statue of Liberty, and the action sequences until the end are minimal. There are some uneasy touches, like the accents of Storm and Rogue, and a Joss Whedon-penned line (the “toad struck by lightning” zinger) that either Halle Barry or Singer completely misunderstood (likely both) and thus made it sound more horrible than it should have. Then again, Whedon also wrote the film’s best line (“You’re a dick.”) The actual screenplay by David Hayter (also the voice of Snake in Metal Gear Solid) is, well, solid. Get out of my mind, Liquid!

Most of the cast, including Jackman, Patrick Stewart, and Ian McKellan, is effective, and the story does an admirable job at introducing the characters and giving them depth and conflict. Rogue, played by the always-welcome Anna Paquin, happily gets a lot to do here, and in many ways it is more through her eyes than Logan’s through which we are introduced to the X-Men. Paquin superbly portrays her sense of alienation that’s actually quite affecting (if you ignore the fake accent which she thankfully dropped in subsequent films), supported by a subplot with Bobby Drake/Iceman and Mystique. In way, her character perfectly encapsulates the mutants’ struggles with acceptance in their society. It’s too bad that she was basically ignored in the sequels, though at least she got to feature in at least one film. Poor Cyclops was shafted in all three. Speaking of Cyclops, the love triangle between him, Logan, and Jean Grey isn’t quite as compelling as it could have been; Logan does come across as an opportunistic churl, and Cyclops is a bit of a cipher.  The story chugs along at a decent pace towards the climax, which is effectively staged. There is a sense of Singer and the cast getting their feet wet, so the film isn’t as polished as X2, but it’s a good introduction to these characters and their world.

2. X2: X-Men United (Directed By Bryan Singer)

X2 improves upon the first X-Men film, with more assured direction by Singer and a script that, for the most part, expands upon issues only touched upon previously. It also introduces one of the best cinematic X-Men characters: Nightcrawler. Alan Cumming gives a highly sympathetic performance as the character grows from mind-controlled killer to insecure outcast to hero. We get more backstory for Logan without sacrificing all the mystery, a temporary team-up of the X-Men with Magneto, and a truly detestable villain in William Stryker, who provides a real threat without coming across as just annoying and toothless (see Viper in The Wolverine). The theme of mutant acceptance is fleshed out with a scene featuring Iceman and his parents. This time, we not only get a sense of rejection and betrayal—his stupid brother calls the police!—but also an immediate sense of danger as Pyro attacks the police when they arrive. It’s effective, even if it borders on preachy.

There are also some great action set pieces, starting with Nightcrawler’s attack on the White House and continuing with a horrifying assault by Stryker’s forces on the X-Men mansion. The X-Jet chase with the fighter jets is kind of stupid, but is given visual interest by Storm’s “perfect storm.” The extended climax is tense and exciting with constant reversals of fortune, highlights being Logan’s fight with Deathstrike, Magneto’s manipulation of Xavier in Stryker’s Cerebro, and Jean’s “sacrifice.” But the climax does drag on for too long and seems to end several times (at 134 minutes, this is the longest X-Men film). The scene where Stryker’s son manipulates Xavier to kill all the mutants seems a little off and unconvincing. Maybe it’s because Xavier gives in so easily, or maybe because the kid in that scene doesn’t act very well (or wasn’t directed well). The final scene with Stryker drags a bit, and the whole thing gets a little cumbersome by the end. Some of the themes are stated in a heavy-handed manner as well. But these are only small issues that detract only minimally from this film’s considerable strengths.

1. X-Men: First Class (Directed By Matthew Vaughn)

Ironically, my favorite X-Men film has only one cast member from the previous X-Men films, and it’s in a cameo—though it’s probably one of the funniest cameos I’ve seen. Before the film came out, certain fanboys derisively referred to the film as a choice phrase made by taking one letter out of the word First and two out of Class (I’ll let you figure out which letters they are.) Most of them were shut up by the final product, an expertly-directed film featuring two elite lead performances and depth of character beyond any found in the previous X-Men films. The few minor hiccups include underdeveloped side characters and a wooden performance by January Jones as Emma Frost, the former due to diminished prep time and the latter due to who knows what. But these are vastly overshadowed by the film’s firm grasp of character and story structure, and much of that is probably attributable to director Matthew Vaughn.

I was a fan of Vaughn before First Class (he also directed Layer Cake, Stardust, and Kick-Ass), but was worried about how his anarchic sensibility would fit into the more mainstream world of X-Men. There are some more conventional elements, such as the side characters, but Vaughn was able to bring a sense of unpredictability and even harshness into the X-Men films. From the first scene with Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) and a young Magneto to Shaw’s demise, the aforementioned cameo, some of Magneto’s early acts, and not one but two scenes set at sex parlors, the film is at the higher end of the PG-13 rating. (The Wolverine undoubtedly benefited from the trail blazed by Vaughn in First Class). But beyond these superficial elements, Vaughn also devotes extensive time to building the relationship between Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik/Magneto (Michael Fassbender). The script, a rewrite by Vaughn and Jane Goldman from a previous draft by Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, mines the richness between the two mutants as much as a major superhero film can. The scene where Charles helps Erik move the radar dish is my favorite scene in the whole X-Men series—a perfect combination of despair, triumph, and release. Despite these explorations, the film never drags, and even the scenes with the “sidekick” mutants are entertaining. Jennifer Lawrence also does a stellar job as Mystique, creating a charismatic character who still has a ways to go before she becomes the Mystique of the first three X-Men films. Her relationship with Hank McCoy/Beast (Nicholas Hoult) is understated, and the inner conflicts of both characters deeply affect that relationship. Vaughn and the actors do a great job of bringing the characters—especially Charles, Erik, Mystique, and Beast—to life.

It wouldn’t be a major superhero film without action, and Vaughn proves that he is one of the best action directors working today. All of Erik’s early scenes are filled with suspense and brutality, including the boat scene where he runs into Charles. Shaw’s attack on the mutant compound exceeds the mansion attack in X2 in terms of terror, thrills, conflict, and emotion. The last half hour of the film is a cornucopia of exhilarating action, nail-biting suspense, and emotional release. Unlike in X2, the pace never drags and all the various action scenes are masterfully conceived and put together. Vaughn always shows the action clearly, his unobtrusive camera work letting the thrills stand on their own. There is no shortage of great moments, including Banshee’s method of flying, the sub lift, and the final confrontation with Shaw. Even after the “boss” is defeated, there is still a threat, and it relates to Erik’s character. And he is stopped not by a slash of adamantium claws or a bursting dam, but by himself when he realizes what he’s done to Charles. It all culminates in an emotional apotheosis that, while not spectacular or tear-jerking, is entirely fitting. I know I sound like a raving fanboy, but I do enjoy this film a lot, and I do acknowledge its mentioned weaknesses (yes, “mutant and proud” is pretty cheesy). It’s not even my favorite comic book or superhero film, and it’s actually my least favorite of Vaughn’s four films. But I still like it, and I can’t really apologize for that.

The Future

Next up is X-Men: Days of Future Past, directed by Bryan Singer and written by Matthew Vaughn, Jane Goldman, and Simon Kinberg. As it features both the First Class cast and the original cast in a time travel story, there is a risk that the film could become a bloated mess. I would be a little more excited about the film if Vaughn were directing (he originally was, but left, and to top it off, he’s not doing Kick-Ass 2 either) or if Kinberg wasn’t involved (unfortunately, he’s working on a Star Wars film too, though not Episode VII). Though admittedly, most of the original cast is probably in the film because of Singer. The Usual Suspects was a high peak early in Singer’s career, and one could argue that X2 was a later, somewhat smaller peak that he hasn’t matched since. After X2, Singer went on to do Superman Returns, Valkyrie, and Jack the Giant Slayer. Not a lot to inspire confidence there, but maybe he can reach his earlier heights again. There’s a lot of expectation for this film, and as it’s always a bummer to be disappointed, here’s hoping that Singer delivers.

See also Ranking the X-Men Film Scores

Mantis Miscellany--Christopher Nolan and Re-watchability

Originally Published June 8, 2013

Director Christopher Nolan has inspired two bandwagons: one consisting of devoted followers and one consisting of those who think he’s an overrated hack. There are certainly those like me who fall in between, but they are either drowned out by the screaming of the opposing camps or they simply do not wish to participate in what has become a tired debate.

If I had to generalize about Nolan’s films, I would say that he’s one of the better writers and filmmakers working today, but there are other films that appeal to me more. I have seen six of his films: Memento, the Dark Knight trilogy, The Prestige, and Inception. I enjoyed all of them on first viewing but found something troubling on repeat viewings: four of them didn’t have a whole lot of re-watch value for me.

Why should this be so? Ironically, the ones that do have re-watch value are the two with “twist” endings: Memento and The Prestige. Memento in particular remains my favorite Nolan film; it so well crafted that I don’t really care that I know the “twist.” Nolan enriches the films with subtle details and character moments that dazzle and astonish more than the large-scale action in his later blockbusters. There is also a dark humor in many scenes (I love the scene where Leonard is running, sees another guy running, then wonders whether he’s the one chasing or being chased) that works better than some of the limp attempts at humor in later films. The Prestige was especially exciting on first viewing, as I had no idea what to expect and what was going to happen. It’s the film where Nolan best captures the mingled senses of mystery and anticipation. These feelings that Nolan engenders are what make The Prestige superior to Inception to me; although the latter is structurally impressive, there is a rote, detached feeling to the goings-on.

Memento and The Prestige also have by far the least amount of action out of the six Nolan films I’ve seen. I love action films—or I should say, I love good action films. Raiders of the Lost Ark, Die Hard, the first two Terminator films, Aliens, The Matrix, The Incredibles, Kick-Ass, and The Avengers are just a few of my favorites. I even enjoy “guilty” pleasures like Speed, The Mummy, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean. But I do not think Nolan is a great, or even good action director. Batman Begins had the curse of the close-up shaky cam where you can’t tell what’s going on. Even though Nolan has since rectified this, his action scenes come across as rather plodding and prosaic. Worst of all, they fail to generate any sense of excitement or tension. The Tumbler/Batpod/truck chase in The Dark Knight is the only exception I can think of. From the muddy fight scenes in Batman Begins and the tedious fistfight with the Joker’s goons in The Dark Knight (the “sonar-vision” detracting from the scene more than anything) to the infamous, interminable “Call of Duty” snow level in Inception and the surprisingly flaccid climax in The Dark Knight Rises, Nolan’s action scenes fail to impress.

I don’t want to be to hard on a director who is clearly trying to create a more intelligent breed of action blockbuster. I certainly think he’s infinitely preferable to Michael Bay and his ilk. It’s just a shame that his action scenes come across so flat; Stephen Sommers stages and shoots better action scenes (though the stories surrounding them are vastly inferior). Sadly, many of the character scenes in the Batman films and Inception come across as lethargic as well. I don’t know whether they are brought down by the surrounding action or are just weak on their own. Regardless, individual scenes in a film have to work together in order for the film as a whole to work (duh).

The big ideas and general concepts in Inception and the Batman films (well, the first two at least) are great, but Nolan doesn’t pull them off with the finesse that I see in Memento and The Prestige. Tighter editing and better dialogue would help. I’m thinking specifically of the Rachel scenes in BOTH of the first two Batman films (recasting didn’t help and actually might have hurt), the rather on-the-nose nature of Harvey Dent’s dialogue, some of Selina Kyle’s lines regarding the haves vs. the have-nots, and the school bus scene in The Dark Knight Rises. As for Inception, many of Cobb’s scenes with Mal drag when really they should be intriguing, disturbing, and heartfelt. Instead of being the soul of the film, they feel tacked on.

But these are minor quibbles compared to the cold, clinical tone of these films. Nolan works hard to create this sense of grittiness and as a result, most attempts at creating emotion feel forced. Combining grit and heart is difficult to do well. Even great filmmakers like David Fincher (The Game) and Steven Spielberg (War of the Worlds) struggle with this, and these films aren’t among the best in their oeuvre. Perhaps Nolan should be lauded for trying to do achieve this balance, even if it takes many films until he gets it right (if ever). But as much as Nolan is praised for his “grit,” it comes across to me as more detachment than the down-and-dirty darkness that directors like Fincher and Kubrick excel at portraying in compelling ways. Nolan’s taste in music also adds to the sense of droning monotony; David Julyan and Hans Zimmer have done much better work (admittedly not in fifteen years as far as the latter is concerned, though that’s another topic).  The dreariness of both action and general atmosphere make many of Nolan’s films a chore to get through with subsequent viewings. And that’s relatively rare of films that I like the first time around.

I admit to harping on Nolan, but I wouldn’t be writing so much about him if I thought he was utterly without merit. He seems like a smart guy, and his concepts and ideas, if not truly innovative, (though what is—nothing new under the sun indeed) are certainly welcome in big-budget blockbusters. I find little wrong with The Prestige and especially Memento, but I do feel he could improve in the areas of action and emotional involvement—both heart and grit. The good news is that he did take some baby steps in terms of action from Batman Begins to The Dark Knight, so maybe he will learn to develop his skills instead of becoming complacent. Although I was looking forward to Interstellar a little more with Spielberg at the helm, (still a missed opportunity as far as the score goes—what we could have gotten with John Williams!) I am still eagerly anticipating it as another step in Nolan’s growth and evolution as a filmmaker.

Mantis Miscellany--Walt Disney World Part 6: Fantasmic and Conclusion

Originally Published May 16, 2013

Fantasmic

We capped off our day at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, and our vacation, with Fantasmic. (I know it has an exclamation point, but I’m going to omit it for easier typing and to avoid punctuation oddities). I love the dazzling original at Disneyland, but the Studios version is longer and newer, so we were curious to see how it compared. Here, Fantasmic gets its own devoted stadium, so you can actually sit as you wait for the show to begin. The path to the stadium from Sunset Boulevard is much longer than it looks on the park map. The stadium itself is partially covered by lighting equipment supported by poles that unfortunately lie right in the middle of the view from many seats. It seats more than 8,000, and it was mostly filled by the time the show started, though some empty sections remained on the far right. For the preshow, some over-enthusiastic cast members held an audience singing competition. They had the DJ play the beginning of a song (not all of which were Disney, though don’t ask me what they were specifically), and then one or the other side of the amphitheater would finish the phrase as loud as they could. Of course, the leader of each side would goad the other, but of course, it all ended up happy as they encouraged the whole audience to sing together by the end.

The stage itself is a large mountain with some thin ledges, but they’re only really used for the Pocahontas sequence. The show starts the same as the Disneyland version. Bu after the flower part, several costumed animals begin dancing on stage. There is no Kaa, and it is Rafiki, not King Louie, who leads the monkeys on the passing barges. Then the mist screens start up, and images of bubbles with scenes from a veritable cornucopia of Disney movies appear. This goes on for a while before it finally segues to the Jiminy and Monstro segment followed by Mickey getting sucked into the whirlpool.

But instead of Peter Pan’s ship, we get an interminable Pocahontas sequence. In fact, it’s longer than any single element of the show, based on a movie that is the very pinnacle of Disney animation. Forget Snow White, Pinocchio, Dumbo, Bambi, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Lion King. Heck, forget Citizen Kane, The Godfather, The Shawshank Redemption, Psycho, and Jaws. The Mona Lisa, Michelangelo’s David, Shakespeare, Einstein, and Gandhi pale next to the might that is Pocahontas! All shall bow before its pure awesomeness and unsurpassable perfection! POCAHONTAS 4-EVER!

Anyway, the unremarkable sequence starts with Radcliffe, the most menacing cinematic villain of all time, proclaiming the mountain for King James. Then, Native Americans in boats appear and then there is a disjointed battle scene between the settlers and the Indians. John Smith is about to be killed when Grandmother Willow—yes, SHE CANNOT BE KILLED—interrupts, disregarding the conflict as a “terrible dream.” Is it finally over? Nope, there’s still more as “Colors of the Wind” plays on the mist screens.

At long last, the barges with the couples from Snow White, The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast arrive, followed by the Queen/Witch scene. She calls the villains, but now there are much more than just Ursula, Chernabog, and Maleficent. We also get Cruella de Vil, Scar, Frollo , and Jafar. Why does Cruella want to go after Mickey? Does she want to turn his skin into a leather coat? And what about Frollo? Does he lust after Mickey and want to burn him as a witch if he can’t, erm, have him for his own?

After Jafar appears, he sends Mickey to the Cave of Wonders, and the mist screens show Mickey escaping the lava on a magic carpet. The live Mickey then encounters Jafar as a snake. Mickey then finds a lamp and rubs it, which turns Jafar into a genie. Now all-powerful, Jafar logically decides to withdraw, making way for Hades, who seems to have ADD with a series of disconnected and rather silly statements: “Hades rules! OK, I’m cool, I’m cool. So Mickey’s so noble. Oh, and you’ll love this one more thing.”

Chernabog appears on the mist screens as on Disneyland and then we get the Maleficent sequence, though the dragon is apparently older and not as advanced as the upgraded Disneyland one. For her death scene, after Mickey says, “You may think you’re so powerful. This is my dream!” he stalls around and Maleficent is considerate enough to accommodate as she watches Mickey laboriously create a wall of water. He then marches over to a sword that happens to be in a nearby rock, pulls it out, and then it shoots some sparks at the Maleficent dragon who suddenly realizes that she should have taken Mickey out while we was taking his time making the water wall and marching over to the sword.

Then we get the villain death scenes, three of which are hilarious. Not coincidentally, they are all new to this Disney World version. Cruella shouts, “Imbeciles!” thwarted out of getting her mouse-skin coat. Frollo says “Witchcraft!” and Hades goes, “Ooh! Eeh! Ow!” as if he’s getting bitten by mosquitos of the underworld. Needless to say, these scenes undermine the drama and intensity of the death scenes, though it’s possible that some parents thought that the Disneyland version was too intense and complained, and the Studios got this as a result.

After this, the finale is the same, with one difference: the Mark Twain Riverboat is replaced by a dinky steamboat with fewer characters and no spinning sparklers on the side. This is inexplicable; they built a whole new stadium just for this show, so why did they have to use such a small boat? The final pyrotechnics are the same as the upgraded Disneyland version, the show ending with the loud, bright mines.

I have to say that I like the Disneyland version more, despite the shorter running time. The pink elephants and Pinocchio sequences are more interesting than the long bubble sequence, where it’s hard to make out a lot of the movie scenes anyway. The Pocahontas scene, as you may have guessed, is an underwhelming sequence from an underwhelming movie, and made even worse by a comparison to the Peter Pan scene with the Columbia sailing ship. A dynamic and humorous scene is jettisoned here for a staid, plodding one that has a narrative cop-out (Grandmother Willow) to boot. And the addition of so many villains is like the old saying of too many cooks spoiling the broth. Some, like Cruella and Hades, are more humorous than menacing, though maybe that was the point. Scar is hardly a presence at all and Frollo, who is a great (and creepy) character in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, is laughably out of place here. And while I did harp a bit on Mickey taking his sweet time to kill Maleficent in this version, I do think the water wall is effective as an element of spectacle.

I want to make clear that these disappointing aspects are all in comparison with the Disneyland show, and are furthermore my own opinion. Fantasmic is still a sensational show with astonishing effects and majestic, powerful music. It is the best show I saw at Disney World, and I suspect very few people would walk away from it disappointed. To say that it is the epitome of visual spectacle may be an exaggeration, but few things I’ve seen have come close.

Conclusion

Disney World is a huge, overwhelming place, and I am aware that I still have lots more to see in the four major parks alone. I still found a variety of attractions to enjoy, from blockbusters like Expedition Everest, Kilimanjaro Safaris, Festival of the Lion King, Test Track, Mission: Space, Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, and The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror to hidden gems such as the Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover, Flights of Wonder, Living With the Land, Spaceship Earth (admittedly not so hidden), the manatees in The Living Seas, the train set in Germany, and the koi pond in Japan.

As far as food went, with the exception of Kona Café in the Polynesian Resort, all of the best food was at the quick-service restaurants (though this was probably because the good full-service restaurants in the parks were already booked). From the Flame Tree Barbecue in Animal Kingdom to Sunshine Seasons, Karamell-Küche, and Boulangerie Patisserie in Epcot, food at these counter-service eateries was better than I expected. Even the sandwiches from the Pop Century food court and the items from Magic Kingdom’s Columbia Harbor House weren’t bad.

I was surprised at how few E-ticket attractions were at each park. Maybe with four parks, Disney World can afford to spread its headliners out. But Disneyland and even California Adventure have more top-tier rides than any single Disney World park. For comparison:

Magic Kingdom: Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (3)

Animal Kingdom: Expedition Everest, Kilimanjaro Safaris, Kali River Rapids, Dinosaur (4)

Epcot: Test Track, Mission: Space, Soarin’ (3)

Disney’s Hollywood Studios: Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Star Tours, Toy Story Midway Mania (4)

California Adventure: The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Soarin’ Over California, Toy Story Midway Mania, Grizzly River Run, California Screamin’, Radiator Springs Racers (6)

Disneyland: Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Star Tours, Matterhorn, Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Forbidden Eye (6)

In other words, Disney World has two more headliner rides than Disneyland with twice the number of parks. Of course, there are other good attractions, but Disneyland in particular has a high number of attractions that the Disney World parks can’t match. Plus, in California you can walk from one park to the other in less than five minutes, so there’s definitely a larger concentration of attractions in a much smaller area in Anaheim.

That said, Disney World still has many things that Disneyland will probably never have, most notably Animal Kingdom and Epcot. The latter shows that it’s not all about the quantity of attractions. Epcot only has three headliners yet, as I’ve stated, it is the Florida park I enjoyed the most. It has a down-to-earth feeling that’s removed from the fantasy of Disneyland, yet is still engrossing and fresh.

Since I’ve been to Disneyland so much, I would, at present, be more excited by a trip to Disney World than Disneyland. The sense of novelty will probably take a few trips to wear off. The vast number of things to do at Disney World may be what appeals to many, but I suspect I will always like Disneyland more. One could argue about Disneyland’s originality, sense of history, merits of its individual attractions, and I would probably agree with them. One could also say that because I went to Disneyland first, I have a bias for it. But none of these arguments would influence the truth that Disneyland feels better to me. Of course it would come down to feeling for me—I’m a writer, not a mathematician. And, as is universally known, all writers are touchy-feely, wishy-washy wimps. Then again, I’ve always been interested in science and examining why I like what I like. It may be all due to personal bias, which would honestly be disappointing. But these posts, written for myself more than anyone, are an attempt to explore the differences between the two resorts and come to some kind of conclusion.

Anyway, that’s way more words on a theme park than is necessary. Disney World was a great place, though very strange and almost alien to this Disneylander. But this strangeness is intriguing, and I would be eager to discover more about this wonderful destination.

Mantis Miscellany--Walt Disney World Part 5: Disney's Hollywood Studios

Originally Published May 15, 2013

We spent our last full day at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, though we left partway through to have brunch at Epcot’s France pavilion via a very slow boat ride that stopped three times along the way (at the Swan/Dolphin hotels, Yacht and Beach Club Resort, and BoardWalk Resort before reaching a special entrance to Epcot in World Showcase between France and the United Kingdom). Many attractions at the Studios are shows, and given the way they are timed, it is difficult to see them all without either waiting around or running from place to place.

The Studios (which was called Disney-MGM Studios until recently) is a slightly disorganized park that resembles the studio section of California Adventure—in fact, the turnstiles at the entrance to the parks look almost identical. It used to be a working studio, mainly for obscure TV movies and shows, though the interior of Isla de Muerta from the first Pirates of the Caribbean was shot on a soundstage here. Disney also used to have an animation studio here that made the great films Mulan and Lilo & Stitch, as well as the mediocre Brother Bear. The Magic of Disney Animation used to tour the studio with views of the animators at work, but now it’s apparently just like the version at California Adventure (minus Turtle Talk With Crush, which is at Epcot).

The Studios has several attractions that are duplicated at the California parks and which we did not visit, including Toy Story Mania (though it has a niftier indoor queue), Star Tours (with an AT-AT outside and six simulators instead of Disneyland’s four), Muppet-Vision 3D (sorry, I don’t know how to make that star symbol without changing fonts), Disney Junior—Live on Stage (though we haven’t seen it at California Adventure either), and Walt Disney: One Man’s Dream. Attractions we didn’t get to were the walk-through Legend of Jack Sparrow, The American Idol Experience, Lights Motor Action Stunt Show (which only had two showings that day), and the Voyage of the Little Mermaid show.

We got to the park early and joined the line to get in. Unlike at the other parks, Disney decided to open the whole park about 20 minutes before the official opening at 9. We joined the throng, and were just about the only ones to turn right on Sunset Boulevard as everyone else rushed to Toy Story Midway Mania. At the end of the boulevard are four attractions: Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Fantasmic, and Beauty and the Beast Live on Stage.

We turned left to Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, which features a giant electric guitar on the outside of the ride building. There was no line, and we walked through the queue, which is the headquarters of the fictional G-Force record label, with musical memorabilia on display. The preshow room looks into a recording studio, where we see Aerosmith in the mixing booth. They’re late for their concert, and as their manager rushes them along, the band insists that we go along with them. They order stretch limos just for us. Still indoors, we emerge into a Hollywood alley at night, complete with chain link fence and graffiti-covered walls. This is the loading area for this indoor roller coaster; the train “limo” is several cars long.

The trains turn and stop at the entrance to a tunnel, with a signboard above displaying traffic information. The sounds of Aerosmith come on the onboard speakers, the DJ counts down, and the coaster launches from 0 to 60 miles per hour in 2.8 seconds (by contrast, California Screamin’ goes from 0 to 55 MPH in 5 seconds). The coaster immediately goes straight up the back wall and turns upside down at the top, and then loops upside down again. All this is in the dark, by the way. The coaster then speeds past and through black-lit icons of Los Angeles, including freeway signs, the Hollywood sign, and Randy’s Donuts. Midway through, there is another corkscrew, for a total of three inversions. All this is set to an Aerosmith song. At the exit, a screen shows the aftermath of Aerosmith’s concert. Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster is certainly the wildest coaster at Disney World, and also wilder then California Screamin’ (though nowhere near as long). The double inversion right after the launch is especially spectacular.

Then it was on to the magnificent Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, which stands several stories (figuratively) above California Adventure’s version. There was still no wait, and the outside queue winds through the gardens and walking paths of the hotel before entering the lobby. The lobby and preshow in the library with Rod Serling are essentially the same as in California. The boiler room is much smaller and only one story, with four elevator doors compared to the three doors each on two levels in California. The elevator door opens right into the car, unlike in California where you go through two doors.

The ride ascends without moving back and the doors open to the corridor scene (no mirror scene). The ghosts disappear and the corridor fades into the star field, and a window at the end of the corridor moves toward the car before collapsing. The doors close and the elevator ascends to the Fifth Dimension scene. This is a compelling ride element sadly missing from the West Coast version. Several props, such as a ticking clock, eyeball, and the ghosts from the preshow can be seen behind glass before the room darkens. The elevator then moves out and forward into the room, past the props. This description doesn’t get across how bizarre and almost ethereal this segment of the ride is. The car approaches another star field and a bright line that extends upward and downward before splitting to reveal a pair of doors. The car travels through and pauses.

There is a moment of silence and suspense before the drops begin. Unlike in California, where the drops are the same every time, the faster-than-gravity drops are randomized so the sequence is different with each ride. Every time you go to the top, the doors open to give a view of the park outside. Once the drops are over, you see a screen with images of a spiral and other items from the Twilight Zone TV introduction. The cars then back away from the screen and turn to arrive at the unloading area, which is in a different location from the loading area.

The mechanics of the ride are quite interesting. In California, there are three shafts with two cars each; as one car loads, the other car is going through the ride (as you can hear). In Florida, the cars start out in four shafts named Alpha (though I know the official spelling is Alfa), Bravo, Charlie, and Delta. Each car is actually ensconced in an outer lift vehicle that moves up the shaft. In the Fifth Dimension scene, the cars exit the outer lift vehicle and move forward. The cars from Alpha and Bravo go to the Echo drop shaft, while cars from Charlie and Delta go to the Foxtrot drop shaft. Upon entering the Fifth Dimension scene, if you look down you can actually see the guide track in front of you and another to the right or left (depending on what shaft you’re in); the two merge together further ahead. The cars lock into another lift vehicle in the Echo and Foxtrot drop shafts that performs the high-speed lifts and drops. (See towerofterror.org for more behind-the-scenes info.)

The Florida version of the Tower of Terror has been billed by some as the best theme park attraction on the planet, and it’s not hard to see why. The immersive theming, otherworldly Fifth Dimension scene, and the randomly generated thrills give it a higher re-visit value than the California version. The drop sequence in the latter version starts suddenly and takes one by surprise the first time, though one can expect it coming on subsequent rides. In Disney World, one knows that the drops are coming as the ride stops in darkness and the suspense builds…the question is just exactly when they will start. This is the true version of the Tower of Terror (the versions at the other Disney parks are based on the California version) and one of the best rides I’ve been on.

Back at the central plaza of the park is The Great Movie Ride, a 20 minute long, extremely elaborate dark ride past huge sets recreating scenes from classic films. The ride building is in a façade of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. The line goes through a replica of the theater’s lobby into a large room showing trailers from various films. Then it’s into the ride vehicles themselves, large two-car conveyances led by a live tour guide. The train passes under a theater marquee and past scenes from Footlight Parade, Singin’ in the Rain, and the chimney sequence from Mary Poppins. In a gangster scene inspired by The Public Enemy, the train stops at a traffic light. A shootout begins as a car crashes through a wall. A live gangster (a woman when we went) kidnaps the tour guide and hijacks the train. Then there is a Western scene with Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. The train enters the spaceship Nostromo and passes by Sigourney Weaver. The alien attacks from the ceiling for guests in the first car and bursts from the right for guests in the second car. The Well of Souls from Raiders of the Lost Ark is next, as we see Indy and Sallah struggle to lift the Ark of the Covenant among hundreds of snakes.

A temple with a large jewel dominates the next room. The gangster leaves the train and approaches the jewel, but the temple guardian, his back towards us, warns the gangster that the jewel is sacred. The gangster ignores the guardian and grabs the jewel. There is a puff of smoke, to conceal the gangster going down a hidden lift to be replaced by skeletal remains (sorry to ruin the illusion). The guardian is, predictably, the original tour guide, who takes charge of the train again. It passes through a mummy chamber and Tarzan swinging by on a vine to the Casablanca farewell scene at the airport between Bogart and Bergman. Next is a projection of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice segment from Fantasia.

The final scene is from The Wizard of Oz. Munchkins welcome Dorothy before the Wicked Witch of the West rises out of the ground to harass us. We then pass by Dorothy and friends to a theater showing a montage of films, including Snow White, The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, Taxi Driver, North by Northwest, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Forrest Gump, and Citizen Kane. The trains then return to the loading station. This is an entertaining ride with intricate sets featuring films that people my age and younger may not be aware of (I’ve seen most of the films featured except for Footlight Parade, The Public Enemy, and the Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan).

Our sojourn to Epcot took a while—again, it takes a painfully long time to commute from park to park. When we returned, we decided to see Indiana Jones—Epic Stunt Spectacular. I’m a big fan of the Indy movies, especially the odd numbered ones, so this show was the first priority for me among those offered at the Studios. The preshow involves selection of stunt volunteers from the audience. With one exception, they act more as extras in crowd scenes, though the casting director has them do things like scream and stand on one foot. The actual 30-minute show begins with Indy making his way through a recreation of the idol temple from the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. He dodges spikes that pop up from the ground, climbs out of a collapsing floor, and runs away from the infamous giant boulder. At this point, he disappears, and the “director” calls “Cut” and asks if Indy is okay. We’re introduced to the crew and stunt team as Indy emerges and the temple set is moved away to reveal a Cairo marketplace set. After an interlude with the audience volunteers, there is another stunt sequence, with Indy and Marion evading swordsmen as they fight their way up and across the building rooftops. Gunfire and falls from great heights abound.

After another clever interlude involving Marion and one of the audience members demonstrating fighting techniques, there is the final set piece. An actual plane appears from backstage, and Indy and Marion fight around it as “Nazis” shoot machine guns and fuel-laden trucks drive by. The scene and the show end with a fiery finale and explosions (though the airplane itself does not explode; if you have several shows every day of the year, you don’t want to be buying a new plane for each one). The Indy show is action-packed with a few genuine surprises, though there are less behind-the-scenes explanations that I’d expected. But I’d definitely see it again.

Back on Sunset Boulevard is the Beauty and the Beast show that, like Indy, takes place in a covered amphitheater. At half an hour, it glosses over some aspects of the story. Lefou and Maurice are entirely absent. After a mash-up of the songs “Belle” and “Gaston,” the narrator intones, “After a series of events, Belle found herself at a mysterious castle.” And after Gaston stabs the Beast, he walks offstage, never to be seen again. Someone not familiar with the movie may wonder how it got nominated for Best Picture Oscar (I certainly think it deserved the nomination). It should be noted that unlike in the Broadway show, the enchanted objects are in costumes that cover their whole bodies and thus their characters’ voices are prerecorded. But it’s still a pleasant enough show and can’t be accused of dragging like Finding Nemo: The Musical (it has the opposite problem). But again, it’s nowhere close to Aladdin: A Musical Spectacular.

Dinner was at the ‘50s Prime Time Café, which, shockingly, had no line (Mama Melrose’s Ristorante Italiano was not accepting walk-ins, and rides like Toy Story Mania and Tower of Terror had lines of over an hour at that point). The setting is a 1950s home dining room, with TVs showing vintage clips of period sitcoms and commercials (as a result, I think I have the theme to “I Married Joan” permanently stuck in my head). The waitress, or “Aunt” as she insisted on being called, informed us of the rules: No elbows on the table and finish your vegetables. Oh, and you have to pile up your plates when you’re done eating. It’s fun if you’re in the right mood, but I can see how it could be exasperating if you’re tired and just want to eat. I had the sampler, which included some of the featured homey fare: fried chicken, pot roast, and meatloaf. Surprisingly, the meat loaf was the best, though the fried chicken wasn’t bad. I’ve definitely had better pot roast, including at the Plaza Inn at Disneyland. It’s a fine restaurant for comfort food, though the atmosphere and theme are bigger draws than the actual fare.

Our wait for the Studio Backlot Tour was probably the longest we waited for a non-show attraction at Disney World not counting breakdowns, though at about 15 minutes, it was still quite tolerable. There are several lines, and a mass number of guests are let in every 15-20 minutes. We had in fact waited for this before Indy, but we were cut off right before we got into the next area, and would have missed the show had we waited another 15-20 minutes in addition to the 30-minute tour itself.

The monitors in the queue area show a rather dated and brief behind-the-scenes look at Pearl Harbor, a film that proves that Ben Affleck is really suited for directing and not acting.  Michael Bay drones in a monotone voice about the wonderful special effects he used in the film without really giving any specifics. And given that the film is Pearl Harbor, nobody would be interested in the specifics anyway.

We were let in to the next area just in front of the cut-off this time. In this next segment, we watch as technicians show off a special effects tank. A small wheelhouse is drenched with water, and flames and mortars go off in the surrounding water. The tour then moves through a prop warehouse to the boarding area for the tram.

The tram drives through the rather empty backlot area. There are barely any sets, though you do get a good look at the Earful Tower, the studio’s requisite water tower. The tram passes through the costume and manufacturing buildings, where you can see personnel working on various costumes and props. Or, if you go fairly late in the day like we did, you can see empty rooms. The tram then goes through a small boneyard, with vehicles like the motorcycle from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Walt Disney’s private jet. You can also see some of the prep areas for the Lights Motors Action Stunt Show as well as a portion of the stage itself.

The tour climaxes with Catastrophe Canyon. On the left side of the tram, you can see a canyon, pipes, and a fuel truck. Shaker tables under the tram simulate an earthquake. The fuel truck explodes, and flames and fireballs erupt from various pipes and tanks. A huge flash flood deluges the canyon, and more water flows down from above the tram. After, the tram drives by the backside of the canyon to reveal the mechanisms and support structure of the set. The tram goes past the boneyard and stunt show area again before returning to the loading station. The exit is a walkthrough of a museum that, at the time, featured posters and props from some of AFI’s 100 greatest films of all time. As there isn’t much production going on at the studio, the only interesting part is Catastrophe Canyon. The tour at Universal Studios Hollywood is much more entertaining and informative, though none of its ride-like elements are quite as spectacular as Catastrophe Canyon.

We didn’t get to do as much at the Studios as Epcot or Animal Kingdom, yet at the same time, I don’t feel like we missed that much. Just the Lights Motors Action Stunt Show and Voyage of the Little Mermaid. The shows were entertaining and though there were only a few rides, most of them were top notch (like at Animal Kingdom). The Tower of Terror was a special favorite of mine, and it’s too bad that we only got around to riding it once. Disney’s Hollywood Studios is a nice park, and while it doesn’t have the variety of Epcot or the novelty of Animal Kingdom, it still has many attractions that are among the best that Disney, or anyone, has done.

Note: We did see Fantasmic at the end of our day at the Studios, but I have a lot to write on that, and so I am including it in the next (and final) post.

Next: Fantasmic and Conclusion

Mantis Miscellany--Walt Disney World Part 4: Epcot

Originally Published May 14, 2013

Time for my favorite Disney World park. We went to Epcot on three of our days, though one of them was just for lunch, one was for half a day, and the other we made a brief detour to the Polynesian Resort for dinner (see part 1 for more on the Polynesian). As such, this will not be chronological like the posts for the other parks. And it is a lot longer than the others, so beware.

Although Animal Kingdom is the biggest Disney World park, Epcot has the most walking ground open to guests. It is divided into two parts. Near the entrance is Future World, which features pavilions containing rides, shows, and exhibits focusing on science and technology. Further in is World Showcase, where pavilions for eleven countries surround a 40-acre lagoon. Each country’s pavilion features shops, eateries, and live entertainment, and a few also boast rides, films, and shows (though nothing on an E-ticket level). The two areas don’t really go together, but the park is so big that visual thematic jarring is minimized. The circumference of World Showcase’s lagoon is 1.2 miles according to the Unofficial Guide, and though Future World looks small on the park map, it still covers a decent amount of ground.

Future World is divided into two halves, an east side and a west side. Upon entering, you are facing south (the opposite of Disneyland and Magic Kingdom where you are facing north), so east is to the left and west is to the right. Just inside the entrance and past a group of triangular sculptures is the park’s icon, a giant golf ball that holds a dark ride, Spaceship Earth (more on this later). On the other side of the golf ball is a plaza with two large crescent buildings on either side. These structures, which we did not explore, contain a quick-service restaurant (Electric Umbrella), the Mouse Gear store, and Innoventions, a collection of high-tech interactive exhibits (the Disneyland version is in Tomorrowland’s old Carousel of Progress building). Straight ahead are a fountain and the World Showcase lagoon, while to the left and right passages in the middle of each building lead to Future World East and Future World West.

Future World East (to the left) includes three pavilions. Straight through the passageway is Test Track, Epcot’s headliner attraction and the basis of the technology for California Adventure’s Radiator Springs Racers. Although I went on the ride three times, we never waited in the regular standby line; we either used Fastpass or the single rider line (as an aside, I’ve never waited in the standby line for Radiator Springs Racers either).

When Test Track opened in 1999, it was sponsored by GM. In 2012, Chevrolet took over sponsorship, and the ride underwent a drastic re-theming (though the track itself is the same). I haven’t been on the original, but from what I’ve seen on YouTube, it looked like a much more informative and less random ride, as monitors explained the various tests as your ride vehicle performed them. As the ride is now, you basically explore a rather sparse looking version of TRON-land.

In the queue, you scan a card and use a computer console to design your own car out of preselected elements. Before boarding, you scan the card again and throughout the ride, monitors display the ranking of how each rider’s vehicle performed in the tests. In practice, this doesn’t work too well; every time we rode, each monitor showed a different set of cars. In addition, Fastpass guests and single riders aren’t given the chance to design cars (though I personally couldn’t give a whit about that).

The ride vehicles are, well, cars with two rows of three with standard shoulder-and-lap seatbelts. The first part of the ride is completely indoors. After the safety check, the vehicles ascend a ramp (this used to be the hill test, but now it’s just a ramp. The former block test that used to follow is omitted). For the weather test, the cars accelerate forward on a lit track before swerving suddenly in front of projected rain. They then make a U-turn and accelerate again, slowing in front of a projected lightning bolt (this used to be the ABS braking test). Aerodynamics are tested as the cars pass through three chambers, one of which has a mirror that displays a stream of air moving over the car. In the handling test, the cars move rapidly through a series of tight hairpin turns, nearly crashing into a truck at the end. The former barrier test is gone, and instead you accelerate toward a pair of doors that swing open at the last second as the cars speed outside. There is a brief straightaway, and then the cars loop around a circle of display cars. Then there’s another straightaway, and the cars accelerate dramatically back toward the ride building, then make a deeply banked loop all around its circumference before dipping back down into the building into the loading station. And again, on one of our rides, the ride had a minor breakdown right at the end, though we were not evacuated and thus not given re-ride passes. Bummer. After getting off, it takes forever to exit back outside, as you walk through a series of rooms and corridors with Chevrolet-based video games, then to a showroom with Chevrolet vehicles, and finally to the Chevrolet gift shop before you get back outside.

Test Track is a lot faster and more kinetically thrilling than Radiator Springs Racers during the outside portion. However, it is not as well themed, especially in the newest incarnation where the tests aren’t really explained. The visuals, reflecting the virtual test theme, are very minimalistic and almost cheap looking. Sure, the original ride may have needed updating, but making it “virtual” is almost a cop-out, as basically all the Imagineers had to do was make everything black, and then add some neon lights. It’s still a great ride, and the thrill of the outside part is excellent. But a perfect ride of this type would have the inner theming and racing element of Radiator Springs Racers and the speed of Test Track.

To the left of Test Track (facing the entrance) is Epcot’s newest original ride, the notorious Mission: Space. The ride has a reputation for extreme intensity and potential for motion sickness. Disney now offers two versions of the ride: the less intense Green and the original Orange. At every time of the day, the wait time for Green was 5 minutes and Orange was either 5 or 10 minutes. It looked like there were four simulators, but whenever we went there was just one for each version running.

I haven’t really gotten motion sickness from a ride (The Simpsons Ride got me the closest), but I do get carsick if I read. We opted for the Green version first. Now, the Green version isn’t exactly Dumbo; the ride is still a simulator and it’s comparable to Star Tours. But what the Green version doesn’t do is spin to simulate the heavy g-forces a space flight experiences during lift off and landing. After riding, we then opted to try the Orange version.

At the entrance to the ride building, cast members ask what version you want, then hand you a “ticket” and show you what line to get in. The tickets are printed with all sorts of health warning and disclaimers, especially the Orange one. Inside the building, the queue passes by a large, round model of a space station module set up on its side, and then passes by a Mission Control center.

You are then directed into a briefing room, which holds ten groups of four. Monitors introduce you to Lieutenant Dan, I mean Gary Sinise, who not only has legs, but also is your team leader for your mission. You are on a mission to Mars. It might be the first, though there is already a base there when you land, so maybe not. Anyway, “It is intense,” Sinise warns before you are admitted into a long, curving corridor that actually surrounds the simulator itself. Your group of four waits at a door, and Sinise appears on another monitor where he explains that each of you has a special role: commander, engineer, navigator, and pilot. Anyhow, there are two lit buttons that you’re supposed to press when he tells you. Another technician says that if you start to feel sick, keep staring straight ahead. Do not close your eyes or look to the side. I’m guessing that doing one of these things could make you aware that you’re actually spinning, and disorient you even more. Even if there is no line, like there was when we went, the two pre-shows still take about ten minutes.

When the doors open, you enter the simulator room. The simulator itself is not a single cabin like in Star Tours. A central column has arms that attach to ten small cabins, each of which holds a group of four. You enter the cabin and bring down the over-the-shoulder restraints, and a cast member closes the capsule, which brings the controls and viewing screen towards you. Handy barf bags are provided. There are lots of little buttons, switches, and a joystick, but they don’t do anything during the ride. In fact, the two buttons you’re supposed to press don’t really matter either, as you’ll soon find out.

The ride starts with a launch. In the Orange version, you can definitely feel the g-forces, and I haven’t been on a roller coaster yet that pushes you back that hard into your seat for so long. “Gnarly” would be a good word for how it feels; I could feel my carotid arteries pumping harder, and though I could lift my hands, it felt very peculiar. It’s an adrenaline rush, in any case, and a unique experience for those of us who are not pilots or astronauts.

At various points during the rest of the ride, the voice of Mr. Sinise tells each person to push a button; the navigator is asked to fire the boosters at one point and the engineer to send the crew into hypersleep. But if you take too long or if no one’s sitting in the appropriate seat, the “autopilot” does it anyway. I rode by myself one time, and the other two people with me didn’t push any of the buttons when they were told to. As a result, the ride got confused and the autopilot began to do everything, so when I pushed my buttons, nothing would happen, and then the autopilot would take over.

Anyway, after the launch, the rocket curves around the moon, justifying some more intense g-forces, and bypasses the earth. We are then put into cryogenic sleep before the ship emerges in the midst of a meteor shower. Surviving this, the ship descends to the Martian surface with even more g-forces, then zooms and twists through a canyon before making a rough landing on the base. There’s a fake-out as the ground crumbles in front of the ship to reveal a precipitous drop; alas, you don’t fall and the ride is over.

Mission: Space Green isn’t too different from any other simulator, though you are in a small cabin with only four other people. But the Orange version is something else entirely. The g-forces are created by spinning, but you can’t really tell that you’re spinning and the effect is at once both exhilarating and almost otherworldly. I myself didn’t get motion sickness, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I’m sure Mr. Gump would be proud to see how far his old friend has gone.

To the left of Mission: Space is the closed Wonders of Life pavilion that used to hold a simulator ride (Body Wars, directed by Leonard Nimoy), an animatronic show (Cranium Command), Martin Short’s sex-ed film The Making of Me, and other minor attractions. To the left of that (and actually near the entrance, though it’s inaccessible from here) is the Universe of Energy, a combination theater film and ride starring Ellen DeGeneres, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Alex Trebek (who has a mustache). The whole thing lasts about 30 minutes not counting the preshow, and the nature of the attraction makes it impossible to get off outside of an emergency. And Disney does not consider needing to take a dump or a piss an emergency.

The preshow introduces Ellen on a series of screens, and we are introduced to her and a dream she has which form the plot of the attraction. She dreams she’s on Jeopardy against Albert Einstein (who doesn’t do much of anything during the whole ride) and Dr. Judy Peterson (Curtis), Ellen’s childhood nemesis. The topic is energy (the attraction was originally sponsored by Exxon, after all), and Ellen is no match for Judy. She pauses her dream to ask help from her neighbor, Bill Nye the Science Guy. He invites her to learn about energy, and then the doors open to the actual theater.

The theater is divided into six large sections (one of which was covered up when we went) with doors at the end of each row. The seats are benches and not individual chairs. Once everyone is seated, the sections immediately start rotating. Bill Nye narrates a brief history of the universe (nothing to do with Stephen Hawking, though), and a large screen shows the Big Bang and its aftermath. The pair then travels to the time of the dinosaurs to explore the origin of fossil fuels. A large door in the side of the theater opens, and each section then travels through, one after the other, to the ride portion of the attraction.

The ride is a much more elaborate variation of the Primeval World exhibit seen on the Disneyland Railroad. The sections pass by several scenes of dinosaurs doing their thing. An animatronic of Ellen battles a pesky specimen, though Bill Nye is nowhere to be seen (you can hear him, though). At the end, the sections enter another theater where a voice narrates radio reports from various moments in history as we wait for all the sections to get in (they move rather slowly). Then, another big-screen film starts as Bill takes Ellen on a journey showing where other sources of energy come from, including dams, solar panels, and wind farms. The sections then go back into the original theater as Ellen returns to her Jeopardy game. The Final Jeopardy question asks what the only unlimited source of energy is. Ellen gets the predictable Disney-esque answer, which is, of course, human imagination.

Universe of Energy is an interesting attraction with a unique ride/theater system. The dinosaur ride portion, however, ties very loosely with the concept of energy, and the attraction doesn’t clearly explain the connection. It almost feels like Disney had a neat ride segment, and then tried to build a film about energy around it. The film is fairly amusing, though you probably won’t learn anything new (at least I didn’t). But again, the structure of the attraction and the entertainment value from the actors make it worth seeing.

As mentioned before, the huge golf ball near Epcot’s entrance holds Spaceship Earth, a dark ride with constantly moving vehicles like in the Haunted Mansion. Its theme is the history and development of human communication with narration by Dame Judi Dench. As the ride starts, you’re told to look at a monitor, and a picture is taken of your face, which will be utilized later. The ride spirals up the interior of the golf ball, passing by animatronic scenes including early humans making cave paintings, an Egyptian noble dictating to a scribe, the fall of Rome, Gutenberg’s printing press, Michelangelo painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, a television broadcast of the moon landing, and the development of the personal computer. Now at the top of the dome, the ride enters a huge planetarium-like area, with stars projected all around and the Earth right in the center. The vehicles then turn around and descend backward through a blue-lit tunnel. There is no scenery, but touch-screens in the cars ask several multiple-choice questions about how you would like to live in the future (only one screen per two-seater vehicle, so no squabbling). At the end of the questionnaire, the screens show a video of your future, with your heads grafted onto cartoon bodies. At the ride’s exit, you can use computer consoles to find your ride photo and email it to yourself. The email also contains a link to your video (download it as soon as you can because it’s apparently taken off the server after a few days). Spaceship Earth is a fairly edifying ride with some impressive scenes. The descent is visually sparse as you’re supposed to be focusing on the questionnaire; the previous version (1994-2007) narrated by Jeremy Irons had much more visuals as the cars went back down to ground level.

Future World West also has three pavilions. Closest to the World Showcase lagoon is the Imagination pavilion. It has a theater, a ride, and an interactive area. The theater for many years showed Honey I Shrunk the Audience, and it was showing Captain EO Tribute when we went. The ride is the bizarre Journey Into Imagination With Figment. Fittingly, the ride vehicles are slightly strange as well. A train of four large cars travels along the track. But the cars can rotate, and the train stops at several points as it comes to different rooms. The ride is a whimsical ode to imagination, starring Eric Idle as Dr. Nigel Channing of the Imagination Institute. He is trying to show guests several experiments in an attempt to quantify imagination, but this purple dragon named Figment keeps messing things up. For example, in one room, Channing tries to demonstrate something with smell, but then Figment enters and creates a literal stink. Near the end, we travel through Figment’s upside-down house. The finale takes place in a room that starts out fairly nondescript, then there is a flash and it transforms into a saccharine phantasmagoria of rainbows, stars, multiple Figments, and other bright objects. Again, it’s a very bizarre ride. Throughout, Figment sings a song called “One Little Spark,” an excessively charming earworm.

The ride’s exit leads to a room of interactive exhibits. One uses motion sensor technology where you wave your hands around to play virtual instruments. Another is a game where colored panels light up in a specific sequence, and then you try to copy the sequence as it gets progressively longer. There are computer terminals where you can design your own Figment. Here is my masterpiece (the name is an in-joke that literally two people will get, so don’t worry about it. I will say that it has to do with Build-A-Bear Workshop):

To the right of Imagination is the creatively named The Land. The doors open into a large, well-lit atrium with two levels. The upper level contains the full-service Garden Grill restaurant and the Circle of Life show. The lower level has the Sunshine Seasons food court, Soarin’ (identical to the original Soarin’ Over California and thus something we skipped) and Living With the Land (a boat ride).

Circle of Life is a large theater that shows a rather prosaic film starring Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa from the Lion King. Timon and Pumbaa want to build a real estate development, but Simba reminds them of the circle of life and the responsibility that everyone, especially humans, has in protecting the environment. Honestly, this is a very slight show and more like something one would see on TV or playing as a preshow in another attraction. It’s as far from Animal Kingdom’s Festival of the Lion King as you can get.

Sunshine Seasons is a nifty food court with no burgers, pizza, hot dogs, or French fries in sight. There are several food stations, including a salad bar, made-to-order sandwiches, Asian selections, and a grill. The salmon I has was delectable, and I’d put it up there with salmon I’ve had at some other full-service restaurants.

Living With the Land is not a thrill ride, but I really enjoyed it nonetheless. It starts out as a dark ride, traveling through sets representing different environments, including a jungle, desert, rainforest, and plain. After going through a corridor with props and monitors showing farm scenes, the boats enter a real greenhouse. A bevy of edible plants are grown here and labeled. The boats then go through a fish farm, passing tanks with fish and other aquatic creatures used for food. Another greenhouse contains giant versions of plants such as pumpkins and lemons. The final greenhouse has more specimens planted via techniques like vertical growing, aeroponics, and hydroponics. Maybe the reason I liked this ride is because it had so many elements; it starts out as one thing, and then gets more interesting as the ride progresses. It’s especially nice that there are no barriers between the boat and the plants (though most of them are far enough away to be unreachable).

The final pavilion in Future World West and the nearest to the entrance is The Living Seas With Nemo and Friends. To the right of the entrance is the Coral Reef Restaurant. The entrance leads to the queue of the Nemo ride. It’s a continually moving ride in clamshells like The Little Mermaid. The indoor queue area is rather long, but it was empty when we went in the early afternoon. The clamshells pass by projections of characters and situations from Finding Nemo, and then go through the pavilion’s massive aquarium where characters are projected on the windows among the real fish. They sing the “Big Blue World” song from the musical in Animal Kingdom.

The ride exits into the pavilion, which is basically a small aquarium, though it features a tank that’s probably larger than may aquariums’. A viewing area provides 360-degree views of the tank, which includes fish, sea turtles, and dolphins. Another area has specimens from Finding Nemo in their own small tank. Especially nice is a two-level manatee tank. We got to see the handlers feed the manatees romaine lettuce, which they gobbled up. Monitors throughout inform guests about sea life, narrated by Mr. Ray (Nemo’s teacher). Turtle Talk With Crush is also in this pavilion. The aquarium pales in comparison with, say, the massive Monterey Bay Aquarium. But it’s well done, and even Monterey doesn’t have manatees and dolphins (as of this writing). There is, of course, a gift shop at the pavilion’s exit.

We didn’t thoroughly explore all the pavilions in World Showcase, but I will go over what we did see. I’ll start on the east side with Mexico, and then go clockwise around the lagoon.

Unlike all the other pavilions, Mexico is all inside. The building is a large pyramid, and right inside the entrance is a small museum. It then opens up into a nighttime scene in a village square, complete with stands selling items, other shops, and a restaurant along the banks of a boat ride (shades of Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean.)

The boat ride is the Gran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros. There are a few Small World-esque puppets, but the ride consists primarily of large video screens. The boats pass by the restaurant and a pyramid before passing by screens that show parrot Jose Carioca (the green one) and rooster Panchito (the red one) as they look for Donald Duck in Mexico.  As the Unofficial Guide notes, only Panchito is Mexican; Jose is Brazilian and Donald is from Duckburg (which, if you’re wondering, is in the US state of Calisota). The three are shown interacting with live-action Mexican scenes. Donald, as is expected, is infatuated with the country’s girls. A room midway through features random dancing doll figures, and the finale mixes screens, dolls, and fiber optic fireworks. It’s fairly pleasant, if short, though the ride in Norway next door is even shorter.

Norway features a troll-obsessed shop, a princess meet-and-greet buffet restaurant, and a scatterbrained, disjointed, and very brief boat ride called Maelstrom. The ride had a fairly long (15 minute) line, which is not justified by the actual ride, which does have some interesting elements, but is much too short and falls flat. It starts by going up a lift, and then travels past some scenes of ancient Viking village life. A troll appears and sends the boats backwards over a drop. The boat, still going backwards, passes by nature scenes and a polar bear. The boats stop (with a brief view outside if you look back) and go forward down another drop to a storm scene with a huge oil rig. Then, the ride is over. Again, there are some interesting elements that could work given a longer and more coherent ride, but it doesn’t come together. At the exit, you can watch a tourism film about Norway.

The China pavilion has a Circle-Vision film (Reflections of China) that we didn’t see, as well as some restaurants. There is a small museum, which when we went featured displays on the Terra-Cotta warriors, including an impressive replica of some of the figures. The large House of Good Fortune features Chinese items and merchandise.

After a small dead area with stands selling African jewelry, there is the Germany pavilion. There are no rides, but a definite highlight is the Karamell-Küche store featuring all kinds of scrumptious sweets and baked goods dipped in caramel. We ate dinner at the Biergarten restaurant, a buffet with sauerbraten, breaded pork schnitzel, hot potato salad, and a vast variety of different sausages. The dining space is themed to an outdoor celebration of Oktoberfest in a village square at night. A stage showcases a German band, which plays songs from guess-where as well as popular drinking songs (a surprisingly large number of people joined in the latter songs).  Alphorns and a glockenspiel player were featured when we were there, along with the more traditional brass and accordion ensemble. Guests are also invited to dance at points. The food was okay, though it could have used some more flavor. The German pavilion features another gem: an outdoor model train set with several tracks and intricate landscaping.

We didn’t really explore the Italy pavilion. The American Adventure is an elaborate animatronic/film show that we didn’t get to see and one I hope to get to next time. The half-hour shows are every 45 minutes, and we got there just as a show started. There’s also an outdoor stage where the Voices of Liberty perform; for an a cappella group, they could get impressively loud.

The Japan pavilions has no attractions, but does have a trio of restaurants, a large pagoda, a garden with waterfalls and a koi pond, and the sprawling Mitsukoshi Department Store. All manner of Japanese goods are sold here, from snacks and kimonos to vintage action figures and manga. A counter sells pearls from oysters. There’s also an impressive liquor selection along with a tiny bar.

Next is Morocco, which we didn’t really look at. The France pavilion has a (non-accessible) Eiffel Tower replica, some fancy restaurants, and a panoramic film (Impressions de France). Down the pavilion’s winding street is an indoor area with a store and the Boulangerie Pâtisserie bakery, which sells baked goods and sandwiches. The toasted ham and cheese croissant sandwich is one of the simpler offerings, but it counts as a snack under the meal plan and tasted great.

Last are United Kingdom and Canada, both of which we saw in passing. The latter does have another Circle-Vision film (O Canada!) featuring Martin Short. Between World Showcase and Future World West was a path that had promotions for Oz The Great and Powerful, including posters, midway games, and a playground. I only mention it because we ended up traversing this rather narrow path several times.

Closing off the Epcot day is Illuminations, a nighttime spectacle that takes place on the World Showcase lagoon. We got to the area 10 or 15 minutes before it started and still got to stand right in front of the railing; it was nowhere near the madness of Disneyland’s Fantasmic (neither was the post-show exit). It’s a fairly short show, but it has fireworks, flares, flames, and a large, spinning globe with video projections of human achievement that floats on the lagoon’s surface. The pyrotechnics are impressively close, and many of them are launched from right in front of you. The proximity of the fireworks is neat, though most of them go off at the beginning and at a point about two-thirds through the show. One barge is devoted to flames, and the heat is palpable. You can pay to have a boat take you out in the lagoon during the show, and I can only imagine how the heat feels that much closer. As a finale, the globe opens up to reveal a flaming torch within, which shoots of fireworks of its own. The story and theme of the show is vague, and much of the show seems to be nothing but the globe spinning and displaying stock imagery. But as mentioned, the closeness of the fireworks and the in-the-round nature of the show take it up a few notches.

Epcot is a massive park, and we didn’t get to see all of World Showcase. But the variety of the attractions and its difference from the California parks made it my favorite of the Disney World parks. Disney admirably mixes entertainment, education, and thrills into a sometimes overwhelming, but still brilliant amalgamation of science and world culture. On a future trip, this is undoubtedly the park where I would personally like to spend the most time. There is nothing at the Disneyland Resort like it. Well, except Soarin’, but that was copied from California Adventure anyway. And Turtle Talk With Crush and the Captain EO show, but those are among Epcot’s more minor offerings. To many others, the Magic Kingdom will be the best Disney World park, but for me, Epcot takes the prize.

Next: Disney’s Hollywood Studios

Mantis Miscellany--Walt Disney World Part 3: Animal Kingdom

Originally Published May 11, 2013

Animal Kingdom is a zoological park which focuses more on animal exhibits, trails, and shows than on rides, though a couple of the rides are truly spectacular. We spent our second full day at Animal Kingdom, and it was the only day where we stayed at a park all day without leaving until closing time. As a result, we got to do pretty much everything we wanted to do except the Maharajah Jungle Trek (a walking trail with tigers, bats, and komodo dragons that closed before we could experience it). Our full-service dinner did eat up a lot of time, and we probably could have seen it had we eaten a quick meal.

Animal Kingdom is arranged in a hub-and-spoke layout similar to Magic Kingdom and Disneyland. The Oasis funnels guests into the hub, called Discovery Island. From there, one can go to four different lands: Africa, Asia, Dinoland USA, and Camp Minnie-Mickey.

We again arrived before opening, and were let into the park at about fifteen minutes before 9. Right inside the park is The Oasis, a lush, heavily vegetated area with meandering paths, rock formations, and waterfalls. At the end is a bridge to Discovery Island, the park’s central hub with shops, restaurants, and the Tree of Life, a gigantic fake tree with the images of various animals sculpted into its plaster “bark.” Inside is the 3D show It’s Tough to Be a Bug, a clone of which exists at California Adventure. Here, we were again held at a rope until 9 and we, along with half the crowd, rushed toward Expedition Everest in the Asia theme area.

We were among the first twenty or so people to get in line. But guess what? That’s right, the ride was broken! We wasted half an hour standing there before they finally got it running and opened the queue (luckily right before the Fastpass return opened). The mostly-outdoor queue is elaborate, winding through a Nepalese village before entering a museum devoted to the legendary yeti. The line then exits the museum to the ride’s loading area.

Expedition Everest is a themed roller coaster that has no inversions, but is nevertheless one of the most satisfying thrill rides I’ve been on. After a short lift, the train circles a small field before ascending the real lift through an ominous shrine and into the 199-foot tall mountain (the tallest in Florida, Disney boasts). The train curves and goes through a short tunnel before climbing again to a dead end. An incredible force has ripped the track ahead. After a brief pause (look behind to see the track in the tunnel flip), the train drops backward into pitch black. The train whirls around in a very tight and exhilaratingly intense vortex, still going backward, pushing you down into the seat. The fact that you can’t see anything at all adds to the fun. The train stops, still inside, and we see the shadow of the yeti ripping another set of track. Then the train launches forward and exits the mountain, dropping steeply and looping around to enter the mountain again. Once outside again, there is a long vortex that slowly ascends before entering the mountain one last time for an encounter with the huge, animatronic yeti. Unfortunately, he wasn’t moving when we went, though there were lots of strobe lights flashing on him.

Expedition Everest is a very impressive ride, one of an admittedly long list of favorites. That backward vortex in the dark is really something, even though many roller coasters offer more objectively intense physical thrills (like X at Six Flags Magic Mountain). Best of all, there’s a single rider line for those who value their time over sitting with their party (which is a smaller number than you’d think).

We backtracked to Dinoland USA, which mainly consists of a few unremarkable carnival rides, including Triceratops Spin (a Dumbo clone) and Primeval Whirl (a wild mouse coaster like Goofy’s Sky School in California Adventure, but with two tracks and cars that spin around). We walked past them to Dinosaur, an indoor thrill ride that uses the Enhanced Motion Vehicle system and the same track layout as the superior Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland.

The line winds through a dinosaur museum and a rotunda with an educational video featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy. Then it’s on to the preshow area, where we basically learn that a scientist named Grant Seeker (really) wants to use the museum’s Time Rovers to send us back in time and, against protocol, bring back an iguanodon from the Cretaceous. The iguanodon happens to be D.B. Sweeney, I mean Aladar, the dude from the movie Dinosaur (hence the ride’s name; before the film came out, it was called Countdown to Extinction). In any case, D.B. Sweeney fans should temper their expectations; Aladar appears only briefly and he doesn’t talk.

Although the ride follows the same layout an Indiana Jones, it is more enclosed and much darker. You bump through the forest, encountering various dinos as fiber optic meteor fragments light up the night around you. The menacing carnotaur seems hell-bent on damaging your eardrums, and at one point pops out of nowhere on the right side, making everyone look at him and thus providing a perfect ride photo that you can buy after disembarking. Instead of diving under a giant boulder, the finale has the jeep diving under the front of the carnotaur, very much like the top of the big drop on Universal’s Jurassic Park: The Ride. After riding, you can see Aladar walking around on the security monitors. Dinosaur is plenty thrilling, but rather visually sparse, and pales overall to similar rides such as the aforementioned Indiana Jones and The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man at Universal’s Islands of Adventure.

Following this, we headed over to Africa to go on what was, until Expedition Everest opened, the park’s main draw: Kilimanjaro Safaris, a 20-minute trip through an impressive animal reserve. There had been no waits for the previous two rides (if you discount the 30 minutes Everest took to get running), but the Safaris already had a 40-minute wait. Luckily, there were Fastpasses for exactly 40 minutes later, so needless to say, we got those and walked along the adjacent Pangani Forest Exploration Trail.

The trail winds through various outdoor animal habitats. It starts with a view of some okapi, then heads to an aviary with birds probably more colorful than the ones found in your birdbath (unless you live in Africa or the Galapagos). There’s a small insect zoo with tarantulas and everyone’s favorite, the mighty cockroach. There’s also a glass –walled naked mole rat colony and a hippo pool with views both above and below the water. A rotunda looks out onto a vista of meerkats (or Timons, as everyone calls them upon first sighting them). Finally, you get to see a troop of lowland gorillas. Some were playing with various implements and vegetation, while one, who could’ve been the leader, sat stoically in full view but with his back towards the pesky humans.

By the time we had walked the trail, it was time to go on the Kilimanjaro Safaris. Now, it’s nothing like a real safari, but it’s probably closer to it than anything outside Africa. Guests board open-air, canopied trucks that cast members drive (not on a track) into an animal-filled area of more than 100 acres, according to the Unofficial Guide. Our chirpy hostess pointed out the animals along with a wealth of fun facts that I have forgotten. The truck drives on a bridge over a pool teeming with crocodiles and into the savanna, where we could see a black rhino over the crest of a hill. One area had several horned animals hanging out together, including the eland, bontebok, addax, ankole cattle, eastern bongo, and greater kudu. There were giraffes too, and elephants, including a young one hiding behind its mother. Just to add some physical excitement, the truck drives over a “collapsing” bridge at one point. The truck drove right by an ostrich that just sat and stared at us with its eyes bigger than its brain. The lion area was Pride Rock-esque, with one lion sprawled out on top, dead to the world. Finally, the trip ended with a visit to a herd of zebras. Although certain animals obviously have to be separated, Disney does an extremely good job of giving the illusion that you are traveling through one huge savanna. It’s not Africa, but it’s also much more than a zoo.

We headed back to Discovery Island for lunch at Flame Tree Barbecue, which had very good food for a counter-service eatery. Barbecue ribs, smoked chicken, and barbecue chicken salad were among the appealing choices. I had the barbecue pork sandwich, which hit the spot for me. Then it was back to Dinoland USA for the decidedly non-Dino themed show Finding Nemo: The Musical.

Now, I love Finding Nemo, the movie. And I want to stress that the show itself is perfectly commendable. But we were all tired, and the indoor theater was very comfortable, and the show, at 40 minutes, is probably the longest at a Disney park. So some members of our group took the opportunity to nap. I didn’t, but the show did have some slow moments. Anyway, the show follows the plot of the film with fully visible actors holding elaborate fish puppets. It’s actually interesting as you get to see the acting of both the actor and the puppet as they bring the characters to life. Crush the turtle hovers over a four-wheeled bicycle (a quad-cycle?) The school of moonfish is especially well done, each actor having a fish prop in each hand. Several plot points, especially regarding Nemo in his tank, are truncated. And the musical numbers mostly go in one ear and out the other, though the theme song, “Big Blue World,” is catchy. Well, maybe “earworm” is the more appropriate word, though not on the level of “It’s A Small World.” But the show isn’t on the level of Disney’s Aladdin: A Musical Spectacular at California Adventure. Even if you take out the Genie, that show is still better paced with more spectacle, though that story probably is more suited to the stage than Finding Nemo.

Back in Asia is another show, this time in an amphitheater, called Flights of Wonder. This was very entertaining, featuring birds both exotic and familiar as they performed tasks showing off natural talents they use in the wild. Okay, so there is a parrot who sings “Camptown Racers,” but that was it as far as novelty went. In an amusing turn, when the trainer told the parrot to sing another song, it stopped midway through to scratch itself. The trainer then told it start again, and it started “Camptown Racers” again. There’s a mild plotline when a “tour guide” interrupts, and then the trainer invites him onstage. The brash tour guide then reveals that he’s afraid of birds, which leads to some amusing scenarios; one bird steals the tour guide’s flag, for instance. But most of the show features birds gliding low just over the audience’s heads, looping, and catching items in midair.  

The tour guide eventually learns about the value of birds and conservation, including protecting endangered species. At this point, another trainer brings out a bald eagle, though it doesn’t do anything besides sit there and look impressive. No wonder it’s our national symbol. (Joking, bald eagles actually are capable of performing nifty aerial maneuvers in the wild. I also don’t mean to put down all fellow Americans, but I definitely just sit there a lot, although I look far from impressive. And if I do eventually go bald, that’s one more thing we’ll have in common.) And just to show that birds will be birds: In one routine, a bird flew out to a trainer in back of the audience, then back to the stage. When asked to do so again, the bird refused, loitering around and clearly wanting to go backstage. This show was another little gem and I was definitely glad that we got to see it.

In Africa, there’s a science/research facility you can explore called the Conservation Station. To get there, you have to take a train. The trip is fairly short, and it passes through the backstage areas of Kilimanjaro Safaris where you can see the pens where they keep the animals at night. After disembarking from the train, there is a path that winds past a tamarin habitat before reaching the building. There is a petting zoo, and several windows where you can see some of the park’s operation facilities, including cameras and animal trackers. There’s also a surgery bay, but unfortunately there was nothing going on when we were there. A guide is on hand to showcase a particular animal every half hour or so; he was showing off a small crocodile during our visit.

The highlight of the Conservation Station, the park, Disney World, and indeed, any theme park on earth, is here and it is truly magnificent and spectacular. It is seriously worth ten times whatever you pay for your whole Disney World vacation, an extravaganza featuring the height of Imagineering and human achievement. It will move you to your core.

Just what is it? There are a group of doors, each opening up to a very small chamber. Once inside, you close the door; lights on the outside will mark that it’s occupied (like a PortaPotty, and the room is not much bigger than one). Six people or so sit in the dark and put on a set of headphones and listen to Grandmother Willow drone on about saving the rainforest, with a few sound effects. And that’s it. No visuals at all, certainly nothing worth shutting yourself in a small room for. What’s odd is that there were about half a dozen of these chambers, and almost every one was occupied. Either guests were, like us, snookered into this time-waster, or they were following their more passionate inclinations. Well, now that I’ve helpfully informed you about the true nature of this “attraction,” you can now use it with one with whom you feel a true attraction.

We took the train back to Africa and then went back to Asia to ride Expedition Everest again, using the single-rider line, which had no wait. There’s another ride here called Kali River Rapids, a raft ride that’s basically a drop-less version of Grizzly River Run at California Adventure and not something that interested us. Then it was time for another lengthy, full-service dinner at the Yak and Yeti. It’s a truly impressive, two-story eating space, with artifacts imported from different Asian locations. The Asian fusion food was somewhat disappointing. I had baby-back ribs, but I honestly thought the sandwich at Flame Tree Barbecue was better (and much cheaper). And yes, I do love ribs. To our vast amusement, the “sticky rice” as advertised on the menu was no such thing, but rather mere short-grain white rice. By the time we were done with dinner, the Maharajah Jungle Trek trail was closed, so we missed doing that (all animal habitats, including Kilimanjaro Safaris, close early. When we went, the park closed at 8, but the trails and the Safari closed at 5:30.)

Animal Kingdom has no nighttime closing spectacular like Disney’s other US parks, but we did see Festival of the Lion King before we left. And it does offer as much spectacle as the other night shows, albeit on a more human and less special-effects-driven scale. The indoor theater-in-the-round is located in the land called Camp Minnie-Mickey. It’s basically the only thing there apart from four character-greeting pavilions. There used to be a Pocahontas show there, but it died. The 2002 version of the Unofficial Guide deemed it disappointing, especially compared to the Lion King show. One reader wrote, “Instead of being moved by the show’s message, I wondered how much kindling Grandmother Willow would make” (Sehlinger 567). Apparently, Ms. Willow made very good kindling, though unfortunately her voice lives on in the wonderful Conservation Station attraction. I’d take her any day, though, over the odious Tracy the Tree at Rainforest Café. Thankfully, the one at Disneyland has been destroyed.

Anyway, the show itself, as mentioned, is a theater-in-the-round, divided into four sections designated elephant, lion, warthog, and giraffe. At certain points, you’re supposed to “cheer” by making your animal’s sound. We were lucky enough to be in the lion section. Actors in traditional African costumes introduce the show, and a group of elaborate floats come out, complete with an animatronic Simba. A central float provides a stage where dancers, acrobats, trapeze artists, and a fire-twirler perform. All the songs from the movie are performed in a rousing fashion, including a rendition of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” where two trapeze artists swing and spin high above the stage. There is no attempt to recreate the movie’s plot, but it’s undoubtedly a colorful, kinetic, uplifting show that, unlike Finding Nemo, has a more reasonable running time of 25 minutes. We were very tired by this time, but this show kept us awake—in a good way. This was a perfect way to end the day at Animal Kingdom.

With its obvious focus on animals, Animal Kingdom is very different from the other Disney parks. At the same time, it transcends being a mere zoo, with not only some great rides, but also innovative and effective ways of presenting the animals. Expedition Everest represents several steps forward in the development of themed roller coasters, something that Universal’s Revenge of the Mummy tried to do, but didn’t live up to (especially given the overblown, self-congratulatory hype. I do like the Orlando version much more than the Hollywood version, but Universal has definitely done better before and since.) With the upcoming Avatar land, Animal Kingdom promises to become even more diverse n the future. Although it requires a somewhat different, slower approach than other theme parks, Animal Kingdom is still mostly excellent, a park to savor.

Next: Epcot

Work Cited:

Sehlinger, Bob. The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World 2002. New York:

            Hungry Minds, Inc., 2001. Print.